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by Jeff Lindsay
All the power you need to prove that you're the only real Christian around. Use the tools and tactics of reputable anti-Mormon authors to prove that anyone who disagrees with any of your views belongs to a non-Christian cult. Makes a perfect Christmas gift. (Not recommended for the comically impaired.)
Have you ever felt like you were the only authentic Christian left? Now you can prove it, with the new CultMaster 2000 CD-Rom package. CultMaster 2000 is produced by Kingdom of the Kults, Inc., a business founded by experienced professional cult-fighters who now make their skills available to you. For just $99.99, the CultMaster 2000 will let you prove that anyone who doesn't see things your way is any of the following:
The patented CultMaster software includes two major modules. First, there is the Cult Exposer module, which contains explosive documentation on the doctrinal absurdities and historical scandals behind over 3,000 religious denominations, including every major Christian denomination in the United States except yours (all negative information about your denomination of choice is deleted during the initial installation of the software). For example, if your denomination is Methodist, you can access Cult Exposer to print out detailed briefs showing why Lutherans, Catholics, and Presbyterians are pitiful, deluded followers of a lie, adhering to doctrines that clearly make them non-Christian cultists. Cult Exposer is customizable, allowing you to classify others as falling into any or all of the categories listed above (non-Christian, cult member, brainwashed, etc.). You make the allegations, we provide the evidence, drawing upon a vast library of Biblical commentary, anti-religious writings, historical information, and scandalous quotes from past leaders and members of the accused organization. Catholics, watch your Lutheran friends tremble as they learn that Martin Luther advocated bigamy for Henry VIII (clearly making him a non-Christian!). Lutherans, stun your Catholic neighbors with the solid Biblical evidence that only Lutherans are Christian. And Mormons will be pleased to learn that they are the only ones who are NOT members of a cult! Cultmaster 2000 is so powerful that it can make a non-Christian pagan out of anybody.
For those rare cases where the Cult Exposer module doesn't offer just what you're looking for, or for those times when you must denounce someone who doesn't fit neatly into the 3000 denominations covered, the Custom Cult Slayer module has just what you need. Custom Cult Slayer allow you to choose from over 500 crucial doctrinal issues which might differentiate your beliefs from those of someone else. Once you've selected a group of beliefs where you differ from others, Custom Cult Slayer uses those beliefs to create an exclusionary definition of "Christian" to show why you are one and others aren't. This is a powerful technique which Kingdom of the Kults, Inc., and others have used successfully in books and pamphlets for years. For the first time, this method - known as "Semantic Redefinition for Exclusivity" - is now available for domestic use, thanks to CultMaster 2000.
This exclusive software, so powerful that it can exclude almost anyone from Christianity except you, has years of research and evidence sifting behind it. But now you can be a cult expert in only minutes! Pick the target, click the mouse, and watch as CultMaster 2000 provides solid proof of scandal, occultic practices, and non-Christian beliefs. With CultMaster 2000 as your theological watchdog, it's just "Pick, Click, and Sick" every time.
As a public service, CultMaster 2000 offers a Netscape-enhanced form to help you experience the Cultmaster 2000's Custom Cult Slayer concept - in a primitive, public domain form (you've got to buy the software to get the real thing!). Try it out!
If your local bookstore doesn't carry CultMaster 2000, they've probably been infiltrated by a cult. In that case, order direct by calling 1-800-HEL-FIRE and start putting the heat on the cultists around you!
UPDATE NOTICE: Version 1.1 of CultMaster 2000 is now available, correcting a serious deficiency in version 1.0. Although everything in version 1.0 was theologicaly sound, we had failed to include the dangerous cult system of the martial arts. CultMaster 2000 now provides information about the martial arts as a cult, based on the powerful expose in Bob Larson's outstanding book, Larson's Book of Cults, Tyndale House Publ., Wheaton, 1983, page 27. It sure makes sense that those in the martial arts are cultists. They wear exclusive uniforms, have strict rules and codes they must follow, give allegiance to human leaders, have varying levels or degrees in their priesthood-like system of advancement, and jump around while shouting strange words. (And when a human body flies twenty feet through the air after getting a mild bump from a typical ninja in the movies, you know demonic power must be involved.) The martial arts - self defense or Satanic threat? Now you've got proof with CultMaster 2000. (But if you are a martial arts specialist, don't worry! CultMaster 2000 will delete the arguments against your healthy hobby and provide a two-page document explaining why martial arts is obviously not a cult, and why those who don't enjoy martial arts will be damned.) Version 1.1 is avaialble as a free update to registered owners of version 1.0. The CultSlayer demo letter has also been updated to reflect the threat of martial arts cults.
CultMaster 2000 is NOT a Microsoft product - we refuse to let that power-hungry cult taint our products.
Copyright by Jeff Lindsay
(See Is the LDS Church a Cult?; Response to Criticism home page; General Criticism home page)
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