It is rumored that the following rendition of the Book of Genesis was included in the portion of the plates taken into heaven by the Lord. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT (Companion for Adam's Teaching) to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
Q Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A Noah. He floated his stock while the rest was in
liquidation.
Q Mr. Doubleday thought that he was the one that invented baseball. He wasn't though. Do you know who played and when they played?
A Adam and Even played in the 'Big-inning'.
Q What time of the day was Adam born?
A A little before "EVE".
Q When were motorcycles first mentioned in the Bible?
A When Moses' Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Q Which prophet didn't have a father?
A Joshua, the son of Nun.
Contributed by Steve
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Bishop, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Scriptures a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Scriptures diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
Contributed by Kent
Children's Bible Stories
The following Bible stories were apparently written by real students and are genuine, Richard Lederer assembled them; they appeared in National Review magazine on December 31, 1995.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Contributed by Jett
A man visiting a rural Tennessee town during the Christmas season saw a wonderful "Nativity Scene," but one feature bothered him. The three wise men were carrying heavy canvas hoses, and wearing fire helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a little country store on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the hoses and helmets. She shook her head in disgust, and said, "You danged Yankees never do read the Bible!" He assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She indignantly jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through the pages, finally jabbing her finger at one particular passage. Putting the Good Book right up in his face she said, "See, Yankee, it says right here, "The three wise men came from afar......"
Contributed by Kristyn
Two missionaries were asked to speak in the Sacrament Meeting of the small branch in which they were serving. As the first missionary got up to speak, the zipper in his pants broke -- unbeknown to the young Elder. The branch was so small that they didn't even have a real pulpit; they used a music stand to speak behind. It didn't take long for everyone to notice the young missionary's problem. In his innocence, he continued to talk, but couldn't figure out why he was getting so many smiles at first, followed by a few nervous giggles. Even his companion had figured out the problem by now, so he looked in his scriptures and wrote "Isaiah 6:5" on a small piece of paper and slipped it into his companion's hand. Unfortunately, the new missionary wasn't familiar with the Old Testament, so he figured it must be something his companion wanted him to read. Opening the scriptures, he read aloud: "Then said I, Woe [is] me! for I am undone...!" As the congregation burst into unrestrained laughter, the senior companion rushed his young charge to the Men's room.
[NOTE: I have also heard of 2 Nephi 16:5 and Numbers 21:29 being similarly used!]
Contributed by Alan
Household Principles for Children from the Old
Testament
- Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier
I - Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
II - Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
III - Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
IV - On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
V - Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.
VI - Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
Contributed by Bill
Two home teachers went out one Saturday to visit their families. At one home, it was obvious that someone was there, but nobody came to the door even though they knocked several times. Finally, the senior companion took out a piece of paper and wrote the member's name on the card with the words, "Revelation 3:20" below it, and stuck the paper in the crack in the door.
(Revelation 3:20 -- Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me).
The next day, on Sunday, the piece of paper was returned to the home teacher. Below the home teacher's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10"
(Genesis 3:10 -- I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself).
Contributed by Rich
Some LDS theologians were trying to figure out how old Isaac was when he was about to be sacrificed. They set a minimum age of 6 because he could tell there wasn't a sacrifice and was able to help carry the wood. They also set a maximum age of 12, because if he was over that he would be a teenager, and that wouldn't have been a sacrifice.
Contributed by Rich
Q - How long did Cain hate his brother?
A - As long as he was Abel!
Contributed by Launi on 7/16/97
Did you know that Santa Claus appears in the Bible? See for yourself in Zechariah verses 1:7, 1:8, and 2:6 below:
1:7 "Upon the four and twentieth day of the eleventh month . . ."
1:8 "I saw by night, and behold a man riding upon a red horse, and he stood among the myrtle trees that were in the bottom; and behind him were there red horses, speckled, and white."
2:6 "Ho, ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the north . . ."
Contributed by Launi on 7/16/97
(A True Story) A little boy came home from Primary one day. His mother asked him what he learned. He replied, "My teacher told me that I used to be dust and I would be dust again. Is that true, Mommy?"
"Yes," the mother replied. "A scripture tells us so: 'For dust thou are, and unto dust shalt thou return.'"
This little boy was wide-eyed and amazed. The next morning, he was scurrying around getting ready for school, looking for his shoes. As he crawled under the bed, lo and behold, there he saw balls of dust. He ran to his mother in wonder, saying, "Oh, Mommy, somebody's under my bed, and they're either coming or going."
Contributed by Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in his book, The Gateway We Call Death.
Biblical Basis for Food Fights or T.P.ing? Scholars Disagree.
Zechariah 5:1-2 "Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll. And he said unto me, What seest thou? And I answered, I see a flying roll; the length thereof [is] twenty cubits, and the breadth thereof ten cubits."
Contributed by the youth of the Broomfield wards
The Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different If Written by College Students:
10). Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
9). Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
8). Forbidden fruit would have been eaten only because it wasn't dining hall food.
7). Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
6). Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5). The place where the end of the world occurs.... not the Plains of Armageddon, but Finals.
4). Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3). Reason why Moses and followers wandered in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
2). Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1). Instead of creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, God would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.
Contributed by Dave on 4/24/97
There's lots of tennis in the Bible.
Joseph served in Pharaoh's court. He must have had it pretty good in prison, too, because he also served there.
Q: Where is the first tennis game recorded?
A: Genesis 14:4 "Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled." No wonder! They were probably exhausted!
Did you know that Jacob got to marry Leah and Rachel because he won a tennis match? It's true. Jacob served Laban for seven years. But Laban gave Leah to Jacob first and made him serve another 7 years--probably because he wanted a rematch. "Two out of three?" (See Genesis 29)
Contributed by Jenny 6/6/97